The Loneliness book makes two telling points in the first chapter. (1) We are often lonely because we have structured it that way and (2) loneliness is more of a taboo subject than most others.
I'll deal with #1 later, though it's interesting to note that English departments are terrible at interpersonal relationships. I spend my day teaching young adults, yet I feel alone because never have any interaction with peers and the teaching isn't that personal. I have a tiny cubicle office and we never have department meetings or group lunches or anything like that. I tried a Departmental blog but nobody would join. At GFC, things are getting better, though we still stress events that don't involve any significant interaction.
#2, the one about loneliness being a taboo subject, is worth more time. The two psychiatrist authors say that people are much more comfortable saying they are depressed than saying they are lonely. I know that at GFC, some topics are "safe" and some are definitely off-menu.
First example: A few years back we had men's prayer breakfasts, about once every six months. It was the usual thing: powdered donuts followed by singing and then sort of a round-the-circle prayer request. The leader asked a question about "what you are afraid of." (Probably keyed into a Bible verse he'd read to us.) I broke the rules. I suspect we were expected to say something about fearing a liberal in the White House, fearing that the Ten Commandments plaque would get removed from the courthouse, or fearing that public schools would continue teaching evolution. My rule-breaking comment was that I feared entering old age alone and with no really good pension plan. Ten or fifteen seconds of absolute silence followed. They looked uncomfortably at one another (presumably because they all have great pension plans and will never be alone when they are old). Then someone broke the silence with a comment about a "safe" fear—probably something political.
It's funny how distant we make things.
Safe prayer topics:
- Health problems of some distant relative
- Perceived attacks by the government on one of our sacred cows
- My spouse needs to repent
Unsafe prayer topics:
- I made an idiot of myself at work and now I must apologize
- I'm really lonely
- I feel so disconnected from family members
- I fill my life with so much stuff that I have no time for anything or anyone important
- I wish I didn't feel so insignificant
- I need to repent but I don't want to
- I don't think I like my spouse any more
See a trend?
Second example: I guess I never learn. This one happened at a small-group meeting. Once again someone asked what we'd like people to pray about in our lives. Once again I said the wrong thing. I said that I spend a lot of my time feeling really alone. One member (bless his little heart) took the opportunity to use me as a preaching example and exhorted the group—long and loud—to reach out to this poor guy (me) and not to let this sad case (me) languish in loneliness. It was embarrassing. He went on for hours, it seemed. Probably five minutes. Then that was it. Neither he nor anyone else from the group ever said much of anything to me again about it. No coffee invitations. Nothing.
I think the problem is that those depersonalized prayer requests don't make the listener feel guilty. If my Uncle Herb in New Jersey is suffering from gout, nobody in the group is culpable. Nobody identifies much either. But if I say I'd love a coffee friend, everyone in the group feels like a failure. Every group member is a potential answer to prayer, and obviously they all screwed up. And it's a level of vulnerability that's scary. There's an enormous difference between "yes I have a sick uncle too" and "yes I feel really lonely and unable to connect too."
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