Yesterday I ran into a reference to The lonely American: drifting apart in the twenty-first century by Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz. (Here's a response in The New York Times.) No, I haven't had time to read them, though I did read some excerpts. The point seems to be that the USA is increasingly lonely, pathologically so. I'd guess (before doing the reading) that men are in worse shape than women. There's got to be a reason that teenagers are on the Internet 24/7, that porn is usually a substitute for healthy relationships, and that we're always setting records in drug/alcohol abuse.
Churches (especially our church—because we stress community so much) should be an effective bulwark against this sort of problem, but it's at least as bad in here as it is out there. Examples:
Focusing on our families. I don't know the source of this one, but (until quite recently) we used to teach people to ditch friendships when they got married. I lost one friend this way. He got married, and I never talked with him again. Another young man got the message from a church leader at his wedding reception, and he told the elder to buzz off. Is this some sort of perversion from Bill Gothard? From Focus on the Family? Where?
- Sidenote that might not make it into a finished column: We hate established experts who have done genuine research at universities because we assume universities are always anti-Christian, but anyone who writes a book, gets it self-published and stocked at Christian bookstores becomes a respected voice. Thus the plethora of nut-case psychological theories in churches.
Structure. The traditionalist role for men is "bring home the paycheck, play with the kids, help dry the dishes, and go to sleep." The approved Christian structure doesn't have room for "a night out with the boys." (They will probably play poker, smoke cigars, drink beer, and go to a strip-tease show.) Women have ample structured time to be with other women. Think about Women's Ministry, Dance Group, Sewing Circle, and so forth. Men? A weekend once every two or three years. And if we wanted to get radical (obscene? perverted? subversive at least!) and suggest that social structures for finding friendship across gender or age barriers might work, it's definitely forbidden by our taboos.
Loop back. Women have multiple places to find friendship. So do children and teenagers. Men, however, are out in the cold. Well perhaps not all men. Single men definitely, because the only real validity for a man is found in his place as husband/father. Married guys can at least talk with their wives and children. (And we know that married people are never lonely, right?)
Excellent observations. I have been considering the aspect of how male friendships are often suspect of being homosexual in nature. I've even gotten a wary eye from some people when I've tried to discuss my work with the Boy Scouts (as if it is some sort of private gay club).
ReplyDeleteI had not been exposed to the "dump your friends after you marry" issue. Quite the opposite, I encouraged my friends to join my new bride and I for dinner quite often (I always thought she cooked better with others coming over! ha ha ha).
Proverbs 27:17 states "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." (ASV) So it is even biblical to draw together as men to become BETTER men and more effective in our roles at home, work and church.
Don't even get me started on the "feminization" of men in the recent generations by certain radical feminine groups.
Perhaps part of the problem in our church (GFC) is the vast geographical distribution of our members.
ReplyDeleteWhen I lived in Toledo and attended the Old West End ARC church (which is now split into the Door Street church and one in that meets in a YMCA), most of the church members lived on the same street as the church. The kids were all friends and so were the members. We saw each other every day.
In Mansfield, I have to make appointments to see friends. Visits and visitors are hard to come by some times.